Thoughts of Life

Another enlightening and empowering story of life, I’ve found from the amazing vast-world of Internet, last night, that has touched me greatly, and again, empowered me so much to keep chasing for my real-dream & passion, and to not quit, or worse, self-doubting constantly if i’ll ever make it, pressured by the constant voices of pragmatists & cynical people that i’ve often met in my daily jouney of life.

In one of my frequently-visited online discussion boards, one Singaporean (a 28-year old) has posted the link, that i’d honestly say, never i would’ve thought such daring & eccentric true real-story would come from a country called Singapore, of all places!
His name is Colin Goh , and his equally-eccentric wife is Woo Yen Yen (also known as Joyceln).
Colin Goh is a previously-lawyer-turned-into-a-filmmaker.
And his wife, Yen Yen, is a teacher.

And the link to his personal Blog (which i’ll share down below of this post)has not only touched me, but it is -reportedly- currently being one of the most hotly-talked in Singapore (well, obviously it’s not the ‘usual’ political or economic issues you’d often find in morning’s newspaper. duh! ..perhaps you could say this is the currenty popular ‘underground’ thing that has been hotly spoken among Singaporeans, at least, young Singaporeans, whom thousands of them have even acted, while ironically, the Singaporean government called them the “Quitters” ).
It is also apparent from his award-winning movie “Singapore Dreaming” , and his critically-popular-and-well-acclaimed satirical humor website Talkingcock .

I just want any of you reading this right now, to immediately click on the link that i’ll give down below, and basically, stop reading my Blog,…because in my humble opinion, here is a guy who’s already more senior, older, and has much more experiences in Life than me,..and hence, he has put what i’ve been exactly thinking or pondering so often, but in much more organized & clever kind of way. 
Just one note from me: As you read what he has written in that popularly-read blog, I would like you to -like me- reflect on your life… reflect on what is it that you really has been wanting to do in your Life,..and if you’re also like me, what are the things that have been holding you all of your lifetime up ’till today to NOT to pursue your truest dreams bravely & courageously. 
As said in well-put words by Mr.Colin Goh & his wife said, which i’ll quote here:

“Most of us recognize the first story and its pursuit of the 5 Cs of “cash, condo, car, country club, credit card.” It is the Plan, which imposes a conclusion on you, and you work in order to make all the pieces fit. A bus stop advertisement I saw recently said it best:

“We spend all our youth chasing money, and when we attain it, we spend all our money chasing youth.”

A Dream, on the other hand, carries you on its wings to worlds that your heart and mind have never known.

COLIN: My fault was accepting that the Plan would naturally work for me. One doesn’t have to accept a legacy one inherits. I was complicit in my unhappiness. I did not question enough, whether it was my elders, the government, newspapers, consultants, whatever. I foolishly let others make up my mind for me. I rather fear I am not alone in this folly.

If there is any blame to be laid, it is the upholding of a compliant, unquestioning culture; that some people should never be challenged because of age, status or whatever. It is not solely the establishment’s fault; all political parties are entitled to play politics. But it is wholly our fault for not fighting for what we believe in.”
 
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My sincere hope is that, after I’ve shared this link, it would at the very least change your attitude , or if you’re a pragmatist person, then to evaluate just a bit, of your long-held “pragmatisms” about career-choice, life, and everything else.
And if you’re one of those ‘rare’ people who still believe in your less-popular true-est dreams & passion, … it is my strong & very sincere hope that this article would greatly touch and empower you -just as it has touched me immensely- to get you back on the right track, and keep pursuing what you have always wanted to do in your life.

And here’s that widely-popular & life-changing wonderful link: http://www.colinandyenyen.com/wordpress/paved-with-good-intentions/

Enjoy reading!

I have an official announcement to make: My new hero is Mr. Carl Sagan!
In my opinion, this person is not just a brilliant scientist, but also a calm, great philosopher AND vissionaire, for our world, our “home”. see this video for yourself, and if this doesn’t move you even a bit,.then i don’t know what to say:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p86BPM1GV8M

Here is the transcript of what he’s saying in that awesome & humbling video:

“Thats here. Thats home. Thats us.
On it everyone you love, everyone you know, everyone you ever heard of, every human being who ever was, lived out their lives.
The aggregate of our joy and suffering, thousands of confident religions, ideologies, and economic doctrines,

every hunter and forager, every hero and coward, every creator and destroyer of civilization, every king and peasant, every young couple in love, every mother and father, hopeful child, inventor and explorer, every teacher of morals, every corrupt politician, every supreme leader, every superstar,

every saint and sinner in the history of our species lived there — on a mote of dust suspended in a sunbeam.

The Earth is a very small stage in a vast cosmic arena. Think of the rivers of blood spilled by all those generals and emperors, so that, in glory and triumph, they could become the momentary masters of a fraction of a dot.

Think of the endless cruelties visited by the inhabitants of one corner of this pixel on the scarcely distinguishable inhabitants of some other corner, how frequent their misunderstandings, how eager they are to kill one another, how fervent their hatreds.

Our posturings, our imagined self-importance, the delusion that we have some privileged position in the Universe, are challenged by this point of pale light.

Our planet is a lonely speck in the great enveloping cosmic dark. In our obscurity, in all this vastness, there is no hint that help will come from elsewhere to save us from ourselves.

The Earth is the only world known so far to harbor life. There is nowhere else, at least in the near future, to which our species could migrate. Visit, yes. Settle, not yet.

Like it or not, for the moment the Earth is where we make our stand.

It has been said that astronomy is a humbling and character building experience. There is perhaps no better demonstration of the folly of human conceits than this distant image of our tiny world.

To me, it underscores our responsibility to deal more kindly with one another, and to preserve and cherish the pale blue dot, the only home weve ever known.”

Indeed, that “pale blue dot” is Our Home,…Planet Earth =)
i’m no scientist, but watching this video made me realize…how pointless all these human-made ideology & self-importance, wars, judging & killing each other, dirty politics are.
we need to unify together to make our world, or in mr. Sagan’s own words: Our Home, Our Planet, a better place, a better civilization, in the vast arena of cosmos (universe)!

Thank you, mr. Sagan! =)

HAPPY NEW YEAR 2009, everybody!
A New Year, means a New Hope, and a New Beginning for all of us!

Well,.. that’s what i’d say in my “standard” text-message (SMS) to all my friends. The funny thing is, it’s all would still be only a HOPE.
But Reality often is the otherwise.

I don’t know if u guys can relate with me or not, but sometimes the more I think through about it, the more it seems funny about how people keep fervently text-messaging to 30 friends of him/her on “Happy New Year” stuff (why bother doing so?)
I might sound like a pessimistic, pragmatist person by saying this, but really, I don’t see ‘why’ 01 January 2009 will be a ‘different’ day than 31 December, or 31 December, or 29th December 2008, and so on.
Life is all the same.
And we will still wake up and find ourselves entering and doing the same routinity over & over again (unless if something extraordinary out of our otherwise ‘ordinary’ life does happen/occur! then lucky you!).
I’m not talking here about whether we’re being thankful our not about our present circumstances, our job/works, our daily-life events, etc.
I’m just stating the fact that Life will pretty much be the same, from 31st December 2008 to 01 January 2009. NOTHING will change! 
I still woke up, eat, do yada yada things, then eat again, then sleep.
Tomorow, I’ll have to go to work 9-to-5, then eat, then sleep.

Well, I guess the only CHANGE that people keep *hoping* for is the Change from *our*selves!
If we change ourselves in this New Year, then perhaps, Life wouldn’t be as same as in previous years.
And who knows, perhaps, an ‘extraordinary’ thing (although probably wouldn’t be so “extraordinary” as extraterrestial or alien’s invasion or visit to Earth, or an unindentified object coming into our planet, the success of Large Hauldron Collider project, or apocalypse) would come unto our ‘ordinary’ life, and CHANGE indeed happens, as a result of we’re CHANGING ourselves!
I do also hope for a CHANGE in the progress of Human’s Nature, although I’ve kinda agree with what Klaatu (Keanu Reeves) said in “The Day The Earth Stood Still” that he sees human beings as “species that are HARD to change!” . We , as human beings, are often too stubborn to change. and that, unfortunately, is a pity.

Blah blah blah…

But yeah, seriously, HAPPY NEW YEAR, everyone!
And hope (oh here i am again, *hoping* for a ‘change’ or something ‘new’ or ‘extraordinary’ happening!) that this year would be a good year for all of us, including me!
And that my New Year’s Resolution wouldn’t be such a waste again this time, and CHANGE (here i am again, *hoping*..) would happen!
But until that (ie: Change) happens, welcome back to our ordinary lives, jobs, marriage, and ordinary daily-events, my friends.

I don’t know about you, but I’m often just get so amazed by how fast our technology has changed, and as a result, how fast our lifestyle has change, or rather, evolved.
These recent weeks, I am often just so amazed everytime I’ve found any kind of video in this website called Youtube. And also everytime I see the fact of how ‘connected’ we are in today’s time, more than ever in human’s history! 
Cellphone, Internet, MMS, video-call, Youtube, Myspace, Friendster, Facebook… you name it! These are all very ‘cool’ things indeed. My amazement is even added furthermore when everytime I see how graphics in cinema-movies & video-games have evolved, from the tiny little Super Mario Bros graphic into this callibre: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AOShbNkxkX8   (and oh yeah, also, listen to the music! and compare it with Super Mario Nintendo/NES era!). Computer games is also evolving like this, and graphics is becoming more complex and, to a certain degree, almost perfectly resembling our REAL-life environment , only way a lot cooler than real-life hehe. 
Oh, another crazy thing happening in this era that I’ve observed: iPod, plugged in almost every youth’s ears nowadays! it’s not a rare sight to see a ‘funky’ teenager walking in a ‘funky-trendy’ clothes, with iPod plugged firmly into both their ears.
Now, I termed all of these things as: Digital Coolness (just to make it easier & put all these things into one coherent single phrase).

And lo and behold, another vital point I want to make: these things are all happening in MY era!!
Yes folks, I guess I consider myself to be very “lucky” to be born in the era of all this ‘digital coolness’ !
Which then sometimes, especially these recent times, really made me think back of what is the impact to people in my generation (Gen X & Y), as compared to my parents’ generation (baby-boomer generation).

For these recent times, I’ve used to discuss a lot with my cousin and my little brother, we’re just sort of wondering,..if we get all these ‘coolness’ , ie: birth of video-game from NES until excellent PS3, XBOX consoles, cellphones which can send pictures & even videos instantly, computer, Internet, Youtube, Facebook, etc ,..then what was/were MY parents’ entertainment stuff back then?? In other words, what did my parents ‘play around’ during their era? (and this was not long ago, around 1950’s)
And furthermore, what was/were my GRANDparents’ entertainment stuff back then??.. I mean, there was still no MP3, iPod, Youtube, computer, Internet, Matrix-stuff, Myspace, ‘cool’ cellphone & plasma TV back then..
I think I used to hear from my dad’s story, that back at his youth days, he used to play more in outdoor activities with his friends, such as main gundu (ie: small ball tossed around), petak umpet (hide and seek), and REAL soccer with REAL ball (unlike nowadays, we can play that sport ‘virtually’ in our Nintendo Wii ! “wow…cool!” yeah, i heard that! lol :p ).
And my grandparents??…. I don’t even dare to imagine what is my grandpa’s entertainment stuff back then!
My cousin used to joke with me, that my grandpa back then probably didn’t have time to play around and “be spoiled” like ours nowadays. Back then there was still no iPod, and let’s not talk about japanese music, or video-game music (oh, and videos, in Youtube, only just with one single click & no more than 2 minutes!!). What my grandpa hear back then (he was in Pontianak, Kalimantan back then) was probably either Teresa Teng’s songs, or a sound of kapal tongkang’s machine. yes, it’s a small boat that can carry stuff (heck, I don’t even know how much weight that kind of boat can support/carry! yeah, shame on me, i’m sorry grandpa..).

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I guess my point is this: Sure, undeniably, all these exponential technology-advancement have made our life way way much easier, and efficient.. BUT, on the other side of the coin, I guess we need to stop & ask: is it making us really efficient?..or they all, in fact, only worsen it ??
Now, before you guys accused me of any exaggeration-commentary, let me be the first to say, and testify based on my observations on many of my friends’ stories & experiences also, that these all Digital Coolness indeed can serve as a ‘curse’ to our efficiency!

Let me ask all of you some several questions below:
- How many of you now can work in one-single-focus in 8 hours (or study, for those of you who’re still in school, college or uni) , WITHOUT ever having such a strong/immense urge to open the computer, connect to the Wired-world (a.k.a: Internet) , and get virtually connected, either through Facebook, Friendster, or Myspace ?
- How many of you now can work in one-single-focus, without ever glancing to Youtube-browsings ? 
- And let’s say if your company (or school) block all those ‘addicting-stuff’ above, how many of you now can pay attention single-mindedly to a person or situation, for, let’s say 1 hour, WITHOUT ever texting-message or looking at your cellphone?  (this topic is even addressed in last Sunday’s sermon at my church! what an overloads of ‘distractions’ we’re having nowadays, my pastor said! and yes,..I feel that he’s right)
- And which one you guys now prefer doing: to sit lazily & comfortably and text-messaging your friends in your cellphone, or sending MMS/videos to your friends, or playing the latest Final Fantasy games, or watching some ‘cool-effects’ movies or DVDs ;…or fixing the car’s broken engine? or moving wood-logs? or cutting trees? or playing gundu or petak-umpet? 
(and by the way, here I’m talking and referring to all of you who’ve known, and been exposed, and used all these ‘digital’ things.  so obviously, for this subject, I strictly exclude the poor 3rd-world countries that’re probably still not that much exposed to all these ‘Digital Coolness’ stuff)

I’m sure most of you guys know the answers already.. and don’t you think the answers lead to we’re nowadays being more inefficient in our work, or study? :p  This is what I meant by there seems to be a ‘curse’ from all these ‘cool’ things.

Furthermore, what I’ve read in some recent current news, study, research, and statistic is even more staggering & shocking:
- There is an increasing number of patients suffering from acute text-messaging syndrome, which causes a substantial losses in productivity, effective time, and even money.
- There are young teenagers who are dying from playing online-games non-stop for straight 3 days, without eating & doing any other basic needs!
- In one study I’ve read, it is reported that young people nowadays have such a ‘frighteningly’ short attention-span , due to our “instant” era which demands everything to be ‘instant’ and if possible, easy. 
This can be further elaborated to explain how youth nowadays seems to have more ‘radical’ thinking & having ‘rebellious’ attitude, because of our fast-paced changing era.  The old values, norms, and traditions seems no longer can be applied to our generation’s kids. It seems that many (yes, many. not all) young people that i’ve spoken nowadays seem to have different value (usually more radical, or liberal) from their parents, yet, I can see the similarities and feel soo much ‘connected’ with many of these young people’s perspective.
- And last but not least, a point that I want to stress: one of the ‘curse’ that’s been reported by older generations about our generation (often also termed ‘The Millenials’ generation) is that we seem to want works/jobs that have to be: FUN, creative, people, or community-oriented.
Heck, I’ve even seen (and bought one) some books that are being written by young enterpreneurs (and it’s a New-York Times bestsellers too) that talks about similar or same thing: how to work LESS hours, and having MINI-retirement early on!  
And strangely and funnily, I can testify this, based from - surprisingly - many of my friends’ stories and honest opinions : yes, these youths in my generation nowadays seem to prefer, if possible, to work not in 9-to-5 ‘entrapped’ office jobs, and some even want to escape, or break-away from the ‘rat-race’ or ‘corporate-ladder climbing’ world early on!  And not few people even mentioned of either want to work in more ‘creative’ fields like Animations (many of my brother’s Architecture-major friends are even also very interested to work in Animation, or video-game fields!) , movies, music (here we live in “vote-SMS” idol & reality-show era, which makes almost every teen to form a band, or making ‘cool’ music in their bedrooms, and share ‘em in Myspace or Youtube), and Designs. Oh, and yes, online business, preferably with some radical & creative ideas (the more the better).
And so far, I’ve never heard from any of my friends who have dreams, or ambitions, in opening or setting-up a factory, or even want to work in factory-setting!  Granted, it’s only a very small sample I have,..but many online young people in the forums & discussion-boards (who are not my friends) also seem to agree, or at least share similar characteristics of what kind of jobs/occupations/fields they prefer, and not prefer (or dislike)!

Frankly, I was a bit shocked to find that hey, I’m not the only one who shares this kind of “spoiled“  (that’s what my parents, or my grandpa would say, if they heard my babblings here hehe) thinking/perspective.
And perhaps, me, my friends, and the majority of youths in my generation have been ‘cursed’ by this whole revolutionary digital-technology advancements.

Sometimes I even dare to say and speak-up to my parents (on behalf of MY generation) that yes, we might be more lazy and ’spoiled’ , compared to their generation , in terms of work-ethics, perspective or thinking-patterns, etc.
BUT, I kept telling them (my parents) that I also see some positive, and also uplifting CHANGES in the atittudes and thinking-pattern of my generation.
Not to mean to boast, but due to the massive amount of informations we can gather nowadays compared to my parents (or let alone, my grandparents!) , logically speaking, it seems that we’re now more ’smarter’ than our parents. 
We see a lot more things than our parents did , and we even see ‘em in global-scale  (thanks to Youtube, Myspace, Google, and Internet, generally-speaking!). Hence, we seem to know, and also learn, of what is the most important value in our Life, ie: happiness over money or ‘fancy’ job-title or degree.
One popular study even also indicated of how our generation seems to want to be ‘creative’ a lot to create impacts or changes to this world.
Even in today’s newspaper, there’s an article of how an Egyptian woman formed a Facebook group (with ever-increasing number of members, and getting media attention!) to ‘defy’ her old-traditions or view of how a woman should get married quickly, and only to end in unhappy marriages, or divorces. To this young woman, all those old-ideas (often reinforced by ’strict’ dogma or ‘rules’ in religion too) just seem not making any sense.
And it’s also mentioned that a 29-year old Egyptian male have started a Blog (and now a book!) of a sarcastic humor in getting-married too-quickly without further-thinking, with his ’cool’ and ‘fancy’ title: I Want To Be Married. 
It is indeed surprising to see how these young people now can do things that probably their parents could never do back in their era!
And yes, Facebook and Youtube helps in our era, a LOT !! (who would’ve thought that?? lol).
And due to the ‘digital coolness’ have made our world to become much smaller & ‘connected’ globally, one study have shown of how young teens/adults nowadays seem to become more open-minded, not too much a racist, and basically just want to get along together (religiously, multiracially, etc), and share the overwhelming ‘creativities’ to create or make a difference in this world (or other term: “in our short life”!).
Isn’t all of these a good changes also , despite the ‘curse’ we seem to have in our ‘digital’ era nowadays?
Okay, I guess I should stop my babblings.
It’s 3:30 AM, and tomorrow, no, in a few hours, I’ll have to wake up, going into my usual daily-routinity again, go to my office/factory, work work and work , yada yada… but I guess Youtube, Friendster, google, Wikipedia, and Myspace would help to brighten my ‘boring’ days and mood in the office! Hell freakin’ yeah!

Barrack Hussein obama has now become a US-president elect, after going through very hard (and quite entertaining too, even if i don’t follow the ‘race’ as religiously as my cousin) , and probably, at one quick-look, a seemingly impossible battle & campaigns.

The last sentence is what i want to stress, particularly of its importance, to multitudes of people,…and that’s including me.

I’m sure that now you can find so many blogs, articles (whether offline or online), forums, youtube videos, and many other media (& people) that talks about him. And i’m certainly sure that what’s being highlighted the most is of how this guy can finally made it.
Put it simply, as so many morning articles & editorial’s opinions have said precisely, Obama’s winning itself has been such a fantastic and major feat, that certainly has opened eyes wide open, not only in U.S, but worldwide, accross the world.
Of all my life’s experiences, I think this is probably the first time i’ve seen someone winning in U.S, and yet the whole world (not only American people) screaming happily in one echo, and congratulating him.
The question is: Why is this? why his winning can be so fantastic? (even i’m sure my cousin, or many other people who’ve noticed it would’ve said further: it’s the best entertainment of the year, and even much better than any political movie, or novel written!)
I’m sure many of you who’s reading this now would’ve know the answer too, but allow me to summarize it in one sentence: it’s because he is a very influential, and inspirational person, and his story from rag-to-rich has also been very inspirational , not only to American people, but also to multitudes of people worldwide.
But most importantly, as many articles have written also, he has influenced so many people, especially YOUNG people, that, to quote from his moving & ever-touching speech (at least to me personally) : “there’s nothing false about HOPE, despite the growing cynicisms all around us!”
Obama has instilled ’something’ that’s most important in how human beings can keep surviving amidst all the hardships & struggles in this life, and that ’something’ is called: Hope.
And especially after doing some readings about his life-story, of how a Black American from Kenya, and once stayed in Indonesia (a transculture person) starting from small neighborhood, but just keep believing in Hope, and also strong hope in people or human beings, can finally go up against the U.S’ most famous-and-powerful Lady, and the famous POW veteran, whom both derived from position of “Power” than him (Obama), and finally WON the race,…i believe that any person would at the very least appreciate, or give some respect to this ‘guy’ .
His story has been so much of inspiration to me, even though i haven’t bought and read his book “The Dream From My Father” (thanks to my cousin who introduced me to this).

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I guess lately i’ve just really been touched, by how persistent some of my friends are in really pursuing their utmost dreams, or goals.
These past few months, i’ve been talking, exchanging emails, and chatting with various people (some even i’d barely knew, yet i’ve already felt so much ‘connectedness’..i guess that’s the beauty of Internet. it makes what used to be impossible, to be possible nowadays. such is the power of technology!),
and although there are lots of more pragmatists, or even cynical voices that kept saying to “look at Reality, and just face it” , but i’m soo grateful to find these dream-chaser kind of people.  It really tells me that I’m NOT alone, definitely, in all of this  (some of the people even have very similar ‘problems’ that i have or currently struggling heavily. so i guess i’m not as ‘alone’ as i might think. there’re actually quite a LOT of people experiencing same, or similar things).
And it seems like these people are so ‘restless’ in chasing, until they know they’ve tried hard enough, giving their best .. but even then, there are still those who don’t want to easily give up, or turn into a cynical person..
when i see such burning ambition, desire, and unyielding passion to reach a dream,..i can’t help but feel touched, and feel like i need to give my best too.
although often even though you’re struggling, you can’t see what lies ahead in front of you. Yet, you keep believing.. in HOPE. 

And nothing can give you more hope & inspirations, than when you see the people who kept saying & sprouting inspirational speech about HOPE,…can finally made it! Mr.Barrack Hussein Obama!
I can’t even fathom how inspirational and touching these moments must be, especially to those Black people.
I can’t even fathom how big is the excitement of the people who’ve helped him along the campaign-journey, along every ‘hole’ and ’stumbling block’ , and even ‘big boulders’ that he & his team have to face, and break-through ‘em,…but in the end, they’ve MADE it !

Now I know, and can symphatize perfectly with what he said in his speech that “changes will probably not going to happen that soon, probably have to be in another 4 years, or 5 years” , and i also wouldn’t be as naive as saying he will surely be able to solve 100% of all problems in the U.S, and the world,..but one thing i know and i’m sure is: He is NOT just an ordinary person.
This is a guy who has character, and charisma.
This is a guy who has given a lot of inspirations spanning accross the world, and to the young generations.
This is a guy who have relayed a very-strong message that almost anybody can relate (if he/she chooses to, of course).
This is a guy who have inspired so many people worldwide, not just in U.S .
This is a guy who have moved so many hearts of ordinary people, who seemingly can relate with the common people.
And most importantly, this is a guy, whose speeches, and life-story, have inspired individuals , not only those who’re interested in American politics,..but to any ordinary individual, or person, doesn’t matter race, ethnicity, religion, skin-color, age, etc, who are currently struggling in reaching their goals, or dreams, with one single echoing message that speaks so strongly (and NOW, backed by the evidence of his winning) that, again, “there’s nothing false about HOPE, despite the growing cynicisms all around us!”

Thank you, Mr. Obama.
although i still don’t know how you’ll perform in the next year, or 2 years, etc, but one thing i know is this: you’re a great man who has inspired me, and instilled a burning fire of HOPE, and a beautiful slogan that gives fuel to never give up in chasing my dreams:  YES   WE   CAN !

I’m going to turn 26 years old soon..

and i have to admit that i’m not so much excited about it.
While i know that some people are probably getting excited with all this "going more mature" , but that’s certainly not for me.

At 26-years old, when you’re still don’t have any clear signs of what you’re going to do (some call it "having a stability in life"), or what to become in life, and you’re still left to figure things out by yourself, while constantly being more pressured by family & peers surrounding you, that’s not a very pleasant feelings to experience.
But that’s what i’ve exactly felt now.

It’s funny, of how when i traced back to when i was 22 years-old, and i’ve just graduated from university, and started working, i used to think that "everything will fall into places, and i’ll be fine" .
i guess i was just way so naive back then, with almost nothing to worry about.
But now, fast forward to 4 years afterwards, the pounding sounds of the "bells" is just getting more louder and louder (not softer) ! and it knocks me even harder!

suddenly, you felt that you’re no longer a "very carefree" person that you used to be.
suddenly, the word ‘responsibility’ and ‘bakti’ and ’stability’ starts to sound louder and louder, and even in a way ‘haunting’ you , that you can’t escape no matter how hard you try to be the "carefree" person you used to be.
suddenly, you felt all the doubts & lingering questions: "am i going to make it? or not?"
and if any of you are like me, suddenly, you started asking yourself more often with the question: "where should i really go in this vast Life? "

The more i look, observe & experience life from time to time, from day to day, the more I’m in-awe & amazed by how vast this life is, and so many almost-seemingly endless possibilities, and paths that you can take (and choose) in this life !
The notion of "there’s only ONE path in life" is no longer make-sense to me, especially in this era of hi-tech and free-flow Information Age, Internet, Youtube, Myspace, Blogspheres!
it seems like , by the advent of Internet especially, EVERYTHING is now becomes possible. Where things used to be impossible, now not anymore!
And I agree with some well-known people said about this era, in that "we could probably live in the most-exciting era of all eras!" .
An era of limitless freedom-of-expressions, boundless creativity!
of course , if we see it with more pragmatist’s glasses or POV, this thing perhaps still doesn’t hold true , if we look at the world more realistically.
But the fact that you’re now reading this blog, should by itself make you admit that indeed, today is an era where the used-to-be-impossible things now can become possible!

And i couldn’t help but sometimes feeling that i want to ‘join’ and ’swim’ amidst all these limitless & boundary-less world!
i want to be part of those freedom-of-expression & creativities, everywhere now apparent accross the globe (even in many developing countries nowadays!).

But have you ever felt a feeling that….you KNOW where you SHOULD be heading in life, but yet, you’re still ’stuck’ NOW , and even don’t know WHERE you should start to head towards that direction?
For one, Life is offering you a lot of paths,
but really, which path you HAVE to choose?
and how do you know if that path is going to lead you to a true-and-full fulfillment ?
what if it’s the otherwise: leading you to the path of destruction and hell ??

The thing is: there’s no "easy or magic answer" in this Life!
sometimes, actually, very often, you have to seek the answers , even answer your own questions, in your OWN way, and NOBODY is going to help you!!
And there’re always an "easy" path offered by mainstreams of people. And they do have solid reasons for that: safety & security.
But Life is so vast, and people are soo much different with soo many varieties too, that sometimes, or very often, that one path that works for a person, won’t work great for another person. and one’s notion of "success" often also is not a "success" by another person  (and sometimes, even people who seems to succeed OUTSIDE, is not having a success INSIDE of them!) .
And that , also, you have to find it by yourself! and probably NOBODY is going to help you! sometimes YOU have to take initiatives, at least to start looking for "the answers" first by yourself , not by anybody else!

And certainly, there are those kinds of people who choose to believe in their ‘destiny’ , even if it’s a BAD one!
it is usually easier to just do nothing, and succumb to wherever life-circumstances surrounding you wants to bring you. Some people call this "go with the flow".
But when you’re at a turning-point age like this, and growing even older, suddenly, the concept "go with the flow" doesn’t no longer ring true!
Mostly, in life, you CAN’T just "go with the flow" , to get what you want.
You have to STRIVE for it, you have to struggle for it! ..and often in a very devastating ways!
But then again, one can always choose to "play the game that’s already given" , like what my cousin told me once, and just "do their best" while in that ‘game’ !

There are a LOT of point-of-views in this life , and suddenly, the line of ‘wrong’ and ‘right’ becomes blurry , and no longer a black-and-white pattern! (and indeed, life is often full of ‘grey areas’ and surprises like that!). Nothing is constant & predictable, except death and tax, one says.
And that’s exactly the things that also make you confused even more!
There’re so many so-called "advices" and "teachings" in how you should live your life,..but in the end, eventually you’ll find out that they’re all just very relative , depending on each person!
Even in this era, the things that once were regarded as "absolute Truth" now even becomes more relative , with each person comes up with his/her own ‘version’ of ‘truth’.

Perhaps, the only way that would keep you sane & healthy, is to stay TRUE to yourself, and be honest when you ask yourself "what do I really want to do in this life" ! And from there-on, you work your ways to pave your OWN path.
After all, that’s what most succesful people’s stories have in common :  finding out about themselves and what do they really want in Life, their priorities & values, and work hard to pave that path (and if there’s no path, then CREATE one!), and seemingly even to ‘defy’ their given ‘destiny’ , no matter how hard it seems !

And when you’ve find yourself often sad, angry, or frustrated, or even cursing this life,.. then perhaps that means you haven’t really asked yourself the question "where should i go in life" , and answer really honestly; and perhaps that might be a signal that your life is going to a wrong direction.
And when i’m turning 26 years-old , that is probably the last thing that i want it to happen in my still-long life !
Sure, my journey in life is still long, but like many people said: 26 years-old is NOT an age where you can be as "carefree" as you used to be, or ‘play around’ with your life while singing "que sera sera, whatever will be, will be" .
When your life eventually is going to a wrong direction, blaming everybody or yourself won’t do any benefits at all ! and certainly,  "i’ll just go with the flow" would become just a ‘fake’ expression , while you’re bitter & crushed deep inside !
Life is not that easy!

But of course, again, i won’t say that those people who prefer "go with the flow" is all wrong (sometimes, that is in fact the BEST attitude, to keep yourself & your life sane & healthy!) .
But I for one believe that this short life is going to be fulfilled ultimately, when one can stay true to themselves, and use all their potentials to reach where they want to become, and then afterwards, to share it to many people!

It’s all relative.. but most importantly is, to stay TRUE to yourself.
And I just hope that, when i reach 27 years old (next year), i’ll find more answers to the question of "where should i go" in this Life, and ultimately, be able to fulfill them.

After all, you live only once in your life, so what’s the use of turning your life into "somebody’s" life , and living a life that’s not you , & your TRUE purpose?
isn’t that the same like wasting your life? instead of fulfilling your life? you answer it yourself.
(and again , of course life is so complex that i can’t just peg this for ALL answers,..but basically, the conclusion is: you have to find your answers in your OWN ways, and stay true to it! that’s all i can say… and i’m currently striving for it).

I don’t know why,..but these days I am so easily got bored….in everything!
I don’t know what’s wrong with me though, and what’s really causing all this boredom.
It might be due to my job.
Or I don’t know…maybe the news in the newspaper don’t or rarely appeal to me anymore.
I mean, everything looks the same.
and things will pass anyway.

Like now people are so into Soeharto.
but just wait for another 1-week,…and this ‘Soeharto’ hypes & news in the front pages & headlines will just pass anyway. So what’s the big deal?

And then, this bank promotion, this bank promotion, this band, that new artist/musician….so what? they will all pass anyway.
And besides, I am accustomed to the view that "at 25-26 years old, it’s not time anymore for you to think as ’small’ as becoming a musician! think big! think of owning a company, or have a job in high-money fields & be succesfull etc etc! " (what is ’success’ anyway? and according to WHOM ?? even one’s opinion regarding a taste of clothin can differ. and now some expect me to held the SAME view of what’s success means??? what kind of bogus is that??).
Does success means making lots of money, but in return, your life get sucked-out and become a ’slave’ for the corporate, or work for money?
My cousin once told me about a case of a still relatively-young Japanese (about 30-years old) who are karoshii (death from overwork), though he was reportedly gains a LOT of money! …and he died just like that…leaving his wife & his SON (yes he has a kid!) alone!
so what’s the point of working to-the-bones & hard like what many Chinese parents (&grandparents) also seem to pressure & say , if in the end, it’s just like that karoshii case? (although it might not make u physically dead, but it perhaps could make someone soulfully or mentally dead, or a cold walking-zombie!!).
Might as well live a simple-life just like the current Newsweek article mentioned: of how current Japanese youths  & teens just have a temporary jobs (because of high unemployment there in japan) , but just work ‘easy’ jobs like giving-out flyers, just to get sum’ money (while still having FUN, like those 3rd street Promenade dancers in LA!) , and then by evening, go out with laid-back friends too, or heck, go merry & have promiscuous sex with different girls/guys each time!?

But then again,
if you dont’ work,..then you don’t eat!
So it’s false also if you don’t work.
But when you work, and once you step-up to the ladder of so-called ’success’ , more & more expectations & responsibilities, AND pressures are instilled to you, and people expect MORE from you…so you become this sort of a ’slave’.

Now i know that some (or perhaps MANY) people seem to enjoy all these things, ie: money, position, climbing up the ladder, promotion & more promotion, title, etc.
After all, anybody nowadays can tell you to read the book Rich Dad, Poor Dad by Robert Kiyosaki, and just easily & very simplistically point to you that "surely u DON’T want ur life to be poor forever right?? u gotta make MONEY works for ya! so u gotta climb & climb..etc etc @#$!@%"  those same ol’ stuff, basically.
Well, kudos (& congrats) to those of you who have this high spirit about "climbing up the ladder" ….really, i have no offense against you.
Maybe it’s just me.
I don’t know…
Talking about the realm of business alone, I know that deep down inside I have the enterpreneurial spirit too! ,..but I do like more to CREATE & be INNOVATIVE & conceptual, ..rather than having to take care of all the details in a business, corporate.
Unfortunately, most businesses does require you to care a lot of those detail-stuff (the trees), NOT just the grand-concepts (the forest) !

So maybe it’s just me who is spoiled?
Or am I at the wrong job/position?
Or something is seriously wrong with my attitude?
I don’t know..!
Now if i complain that "i just want to be myself" , …but people now tell me that "it’s TOO late for a 25-year old to keep soul-searching (mencari jati diri) just like YOU! you’re supposed to get married soon, have a house, have a stable income & career, then make a kid,…bla bla etc etc" …..

.
Btw, while currently speaking of all these ‘depressing’ things, I am listening to one of my favorite talented artist, Gita Gutawa, singing a song "Apa Kata Bintang" (track 7), "Sahabat kecilku" (track 9), "Dengar" (track 10), …………i feel as if I’m OUT of this hectic, hustle-bustle , constant pressures, constant name-calling world, and just flyy……and…..get immersed in…….WELL HELLOOOO, wake up Niki !!

And church-life??…
I also don’t know why,
it might be that because I’ve seen nothing much happening in this world, that i somehow begin to turn more agnostic (& a cynical, pessimistic person!) , and just losing apetite in all those miracle things, …and even God.
I don’t know.
Everywhere i look & hear on the TV & radio is just some ’simple-normal’ people asking for God to help curing his/her financial problems, and other person ask for God to find a girl/guy of his dreams, and another person ask for more money,wealth, and another person ask right-away for healing in his/her diseases, injury,…and all are THROUGH THE TV/RADIO HOTLINE ! which you have to make a call.
And i kept thinking "are their problems really immediately got cured after they ask the ‘priest or preacher’ in the TV or radio (whatever) ?? does the ‘priest or preacher’ really THAT powerful, that all he does is just said "in the name of Jesus, penyakit ibu sekarang SEMBUH TOTAL!! in the name of Jesus, bisnis bapak sekarang PASTI PULIH KEMBALI !! etc etc etc"…or does the ‘priest or preacher’ is just a trickster, and most people are just stupid & foolish enough to enrich his pockets by kept calling the TV /radio station asking God for this & that ???
And if they’re wrong, then how come people still keep coming & coming back them ?? (instead of to their God??).
it seems that religions (& God) becomes more of the tools of exploitation by simple-petty human beings with all their worldy needs & necessity! ……….while still nothing MUCH happen too.
I might be flamed by saying this,…but it seems that….I’m becoming more and more pragmatist (& i hate it myself) , and doesn’t see ‘God’ who has done much things or change in this world !
I mean,
where’s all those wonderful, awesome ‘miracles’ & "God’s works" in the Old Testament & New Testament?? no more??
and don’t give me the "it’s because now is Holy-Spirit era" bogus! …because it now seems more that this is just an easy answers to escape , and for TV evangelicals & charismatic preachers to keep gaining more $$$ & money by acting as a GOD themselves, while people are just like this ‘unquestioning obedient sheeps’ who just kept coming & coming to them!….trickster or not they are!

I don’t know & don’t understand this world anymore…

Btw,
Maybe all this pessimistic attitude is due to how I get used to see  HOW difficult it seems for CHANGE to happen!
People are so so so so so much different from each other! (w/ each his/her individual wants, opinion, perception…and all those things that’ll make u go dizzy thinking about it!)….but that’s not the only point.
I see how those powerful people , who are in the position of influence, are actually getting MORE ’smarter’ in greediness & gaining more wealths, while ironically, doing just VERY LITTLE to make some CHANGES to impact the poors, the needy ones!
Especially in the case of my home country, Indonesia!
Just look at the government, those politic dogs, DPR/MPR, etc.
Everything is taking so slowly for CHANGE to happen,….that it even makes any of you goes kinda pessimistic about Indonesia.

As I write this, I am very enraged & angry by how messy that Jembatan Genit proyek in Angke (in my area) turns out to be!
It’s just a COMPLETE MESS!!
Shit.
Why they didn’t make a GOOD bridge & road at the 1st place??
No budget? lack of budget? so the project now stops AGAIN, for the 3rd time ???? …don’t give me that crap please ! why don’t they TRY to get-fast the budget, and just finish the damn work perfectly ??
I’ve seen soo many sedan cars who struggle very hard to bump-up their wheels just to go up the bridge! ..and this damn-poorly constructred bridge is causing all those unnecessary traffic !! ….and NOBODY complains or DO something about it!!!
It seems that all people who use the road can only say "ah well…..this is Indonesia……what else to say??" , and that’s IT !!
I am dissapointed.
I am truly dissapointed ,…people can be so ignorant like that, eh?

But sigh…even I MYSELF am not in the position of ‘change’ ,…as I’m still having problems with myself.

Dunno.

Maybe it’s true as what some folks kept saying:
"maybe you need some CHANGE happening in your life"
But sigh…even I don’t know if it’s POSSIBLE for any BIG CHANGES to happen in my Life. especially not when I’m already at 25-years old like now??….?
I mean, you can’t just simply say to me "well it’s indeed time for you to change! Time to change ur credit card! Time to change ur car! Time to change ur handphone! or time to be energetic and changing all the details in my workplace, or climbing up the ladder, etc etc" ……….those things are just too ‘worldy’ for me, and i’m sorry to say, they will not work to me!
It’s not those kind of changes that I want!
I mean, from year 2005 to year 2008 now, things are basically still looking the same ol’ same ol’ things. Nothing is new!
News are the same.
People are the same.
Society is still the same.
Daily-life things are still the same.

Now I know deep down inside that I need something ….maybe a passion? maybe a hobby?
well indeed i’m currently back to my core-passion : Music. ie: making music, and forming a band (i’m in fact aiming for my band to be very unique, and hopefully to release a mini-album by end of this February!) .
But even this, sometimes I can go  pessimistic too, because I see how difficult it is still to organize a band, and having perfect band members that I dont’ have to teach chords, drum-beat anymore!
i can’t deny, these things really make me frustrated!
In terms of music, I can be such a deep-ass perfectionist guy you’ll ever find! But why NOT at my workplace ??? …is it really that boring?? …..or is it just ME , something is wrong with myself ??
and when i see all those crooked music competitions, and how "music is also more about business nowadays, and ikut-ikutan , trends, rather than a pure genuine-honest music" , ….it frustrates me too !!
So i even find some boredom in my own passion!
Nothing changes much. Everything stays the same.

Sometimes I wish for some extraordinary or some spectacular news to happen,…and I can even go too-much overboard with this! like for example, how I can be so ‘excited’ when hearing about how jakarta will be drowned at year 2050 (a prediction made in Suara Pembaruan newspaper few days ago) ,….and not so ‘excited’ in everything else!
I don’t know what’s really goes wrong with me.

But I just hope that I’m not the only one who feels all this bored shitty feelings, in this world  (thank god though that I can still find similar-alike people, in a virtual-world called Internet forum-discussions, with similar people).

And I do wish I can find a goddamn-fitting fix-&-solution to wash away all this boredom feelings really soon!
‘cuz…..whether I’m bored or not,……..LIFE KEEPS MOVING & GOING & IT SURELY DOESN’T WAIT FOR ME !
and that’s also what sucks about Life.
"Life goes on" , yea yea….easy for some folks just to say that….but I feel like , i dont know,…like I’m wasting-away my time…I still can’t find somewhere I belong…and @#$!@#%!@#%….I don’t know what else I have to say!
And yet other people also kept expecting & pressuring me constantly….yeah…..life surely goes on.

Bored.

My maltese dog , Boy ( his name) , just died yesterday night, after about two months of hard-breathing which we suspected as ashtma..

Things are never the same again.

What can I say..
I just felt sad, and even got no energy to do anything!
Especially when I go to some corners of my house & remember what he would usually do there.
And probably what would made my eyes go teary is when I remember, especially two days ago, of how he acted as if he has a FEELING (just like humans!) that he’s about to die, and for the last day, he just rushed & rushed to get close to EVERY one of us in the house,…even to me, whom he probably didn’t like very much, because admitedly, when he’s alive & healthy, I didn’t really care much or play with him!

Two days ago was the climax, for me.
At 2 at night (AM), I heard a very noisy sound downstair (my room is in 2nd-floor). I couldn’t sleep & then went outside, just to see my dog just tried to struggle to go-up, with his breathes so heavy & made an awful pitiful noises already.
He then kept going upstairs, …and kept going upstair. I couldn’t hold my heart any longer (I was usually indifferent whether he went upstair or downstair, vice versa. Like i said before, when he was healthy, I was pretty much indifferent to him…..a thing that I regretted a lot now   )  , when I saw his head was so low already (probably because of the hard-to-breathe due to his incurable ashtma) walking slowly upstair ,..as if he wants to ’say’ something.
I rushed to him & hugged him , and brought him to my room, and put him at the side of my bed, and just stroked his head gently & just looked at him and hoped he won’t die quickly…

But he died anyway.

Even my little brother Nixon, who usually hit him at night when he’s noisy, and even appeared to be rude to the pet,..DID CARE a lot & even frantically call his friends and asked for good pet-doctors so to heal the sick-puppy. And yesterday afternoon he was very much frantic, even to the point that he couldn’t be happy at his friend’s birthday party, and decided to go home rather than be happy & jolly at the party! ….something that he NEVER do usually!

And when the dog passed-away yesterday,..I can see him & my mom crying…it’s as if part of the family, and probably for my parents, the MOST-beloved part of the family, has leaved us..
As for me, I admitted that I almost cry,..my voice went shaking when I talked…and I just went upstair to my room,..and think about him ’till I went to sleep.

.
Then comes the contemplation (as usual for me) :

As I’ve browsed through the Net, and just googled "when your dog dies" , I’ve seen a very tremendously surprising answers from almost all people : it’s perfectly NORMAL to feel sad, even cry, for the first weeks, when ur beloved pet dies!

Now I asked myself: why would people ‘bother’ to cry when his/her pet dies?
I mean….some folks would probably funnily look at the dying-pet & just laughed & said "c’mon! it’s just an ANIMAL !!"
But why, despite of few ‘heartless’ folks out there,…MOST people would just felt terribly sad, and even cried, when his pet dies?
It’s as if people lost something very important..
A best friend to some,..
or even a part of the family! (just like how we, especially my parents, view Boy as!)
My parents even viewed Boy as their BEST son, since admitedly, Boy has a surprisingly calm ‘personality’ (a dog has a personality?? though as hard as it is to admit, I believe the answer is: yes!) , very obedient, and he’d just bark when it’s really really important, such as when he heard the sounds of our car’s honk…..nay, even when our car is still some meters away, he can already ’sense’ it and just bark & ‘call’ my pembantu to quickly open the door.
He is just really adorable.
And I understand why my parents can kinda favorite him nowadays, even more than their REAL sons !
Now why is this?? Why the seems-to-be favoritism, even for a petty-little animal?

The answer is because: pet sometimes is funnily innocent.
Pets differ from humans, because they don’t have OWN WILL or OWN DESIRE ,..which is what tends to make human beings conflict & clash with each other, because of their different will, desires, opinions & wants.
Pets are just….naive & even very obedient !
Especially in the case of dog, they seem to only care about one thing that most human-beings seems lacking nowadays : how to be loyal to his master , how to accompany his master, how to make his master happy & excited. that’s all!
No personal will, no personal desire (or heck, ‘wicked’ desire or thoughts) . NO CLASH & CONFLICTS THAT’S SO APPARENT IN HUMAN’S WORLD !!

And I guess that’s what makes pets so adorable. It’s their innocent & naive-ness ,..that’s very very much missing in the human’s life, most-especially adult’s human’s life.
Now when I ponder about it further: It’s just like a small little human baby! ….or up to 4 or 5-years old little kids!
We can sometimes still love them, and act as if they are EVERYthing!
But see when they start growing, to a 16 or 17-year olds, or ‘worse’, 24 or 25 year olds, …then those CLASHES & CONFLICTS & all these ‘dramas’ would just start to occur !
Why is this?
it’s because those kids are losing their INNOCENT & NAIVENESS, ..and started to have his/her OWN WILL , or OWN DESIRE!

And that’s what make a young adult can start have a clash/conflict with his parents, and vice versa.
And often, the older the person gets, the less ‘adorable’ he/she is in the eyes of people!

And this is no wonder we missed our dog, Boy, veryy much!
For these first few weeks, it’s probably going to be hard to really forget about him….

.
And one more thing I’ve pondered :
we usually won’t be able to appreciate a thing,…until it’s lost, or no longer there!!
It’s the same with how I used to be so indifferent & lack paying-attention & care to Boy ,…and how I suddenly became soo caring at his last suffering-moments!
It’s the same with us, humans!
As cliche as it may sounds, but it’s true, that whether it’s someone, or something, …it’s as if we think it can exist forever , while in Reality: nothing is everlasting, nothing is eternal!
Everything has its time, and everything (& everybody) in this world will eventually DIE !

Death, is certain.
No matter how much typings & writings I’m doing right now,…I will eventually die. So are you who’s reading this.
Nothing is eternal ! (…except God, if you do believe in It though!)

And this fact alone should’ve reminded us,
of how we should care for those people who are close to us, or especially those who have really been dear to our hearts.
Be it best-friends, friends, parents, etc.
Just show that you care for them! ..while they’re still alive & around you! don’t think as if someone (or even something) will keep existing forever,….’coz they won’t ! NOTHING is eternal in this world!
Because,…they will no longer be with us, when the time comes..!
And when that time comes,….our regret of not caring much for them, is already too late by then.

.
Boy, I’ll miss ya, pal!…….Rest in peace.

Metallica - Unforgiven

New blood joins this earth
And quickly he’s subdued
Through constant pained disgrace
The young boy learns their rules

You labeled me
I’ll label you
So I dub the unforgiven

I’ve often heard this Metallica’s song when I was still like 10 or 11 years old, but never knew its true meanings. All I knew back then was just "it’s a nice song with nice tunes" , that’s it.
But fast forward 15 years into now,..now I can understand that there’s more depth in the song that I initially has thought.
For some strange unknown reasons, many of Metallica’s songs are speaking very well to me. I can relate to many of the songs, for example: Master of Puppets (of how we’re just like a puppet, being controlled in Reality, rather than human with our own freewill & wants) , The Dyer’s Eve (of how parents seems to spoil us, never teach about Reality, and when it’s time to enter the real working-world, we are so shocked literally that we are helpless), Lepper Messiah (about religion becoming more dogmatic & controlling, rather than freeing one’s spirit to encounter God).

And now,..this song.
Although it’s a much slower song (& thus, "less technical & skillful" and "less cooler") than their faster & energetic songs like master of puppets, creeping death, etc , but when I’ve finally understood its lyrics, and tried to immerse into the lyrics, this song actually becomes such a powerful song now, that speaks heavily to me, and heck, to many of us. just look at the Songmeanings.net website, and you’ll see how many can relate heavily of what it says about their own life . it’s basically about how we are at first so full of ideals, dreams, wishes, and how "beautiful" and "sweet" and "simple" everything was when we were small little kids. little we know about Reality.
But when it’s time for us to enter the working-world (ie: the "Reality" of working-world) , then it shocked us so badly, especially those people with very-high idealisms & dreams, with idealistic nature. they are probably the ones who are shocked the most by the strong forces of ‘Reality’.
And as depicted correctly in a comedy movie Austin Powers : "There is no world anymore. It’s just corporations" .
There is individual anymore. It’s all about being conformist.
There is no more freedom of expression. it’s all about, as the song said: "learn their rules" , or we will be ridiculed, discouraged, and seen as stupid by Mainstream society.

…And then, just as the lyrics said : we become old people, and we just regret the way we live, by conforming being conformist "a tired man, to die regretfully" because we can’t assert what we want without being ridiculed & scorned & rejected by mainstream society.
There’s only ONE correct way to live ur life, and that is: to work for Money !

Yet the irony is: we are probably just too ‘tired’ and too ‘coward’ to actually speak-up our deepest wants & dreams, and to swim against the current. We are so damn scared to be viewed as ’strange, weird, childish, immature, unprofessional, dreamer, and stupid idealist’ …that we just shut our mouth (& brain & hearts), to enter into what everybody told us to do.
most of us don’t succeed in doing what we REALLY want to do.
Most of us don’t succeed in being happy in what we really want to do. Only few lucky ones are succesful & happy in what they do.
Such strong & great is the forces of "Reality" , and the conformist stances being nurtured by mainstream society, and those who want to reject or rebel against it is only in minority number, and often they will either ‘learn’ to become just another ‘drone’ , and to follow what those ‘corporatic society’ wants them to do, or some even become depressed, hide & lock themselves, and some even ends their life. i can somehow understand the ‘pain’ these people’re often questioning & experiencing….."what’s the use of living, when we’re just becoming another drone, and without any purpose? better if we just die, and become one with the Consciousness. Nobody will care anyway, ‘life goes on’ .."

In this realistic & practical & industrious ‘mainstream’ society, the concept of ‘individuality’ is long has gone.
In this realistic society & world, Kudos goes to the most-realistic & ambitious people in those ‘conformist’ ways.
And two thumbs down goes to those who are expressive for their own self, creative, imaginative, & idealistic kind of people.
The world needs you to be another conformist drone, and consider the latter attitude to be a "threat" that needs to be discouraged & mold into another conformist drone.

And some people that’re more able somehow to conform to the mainstream-society’s view of "success" , would often wonder why that ‘tired man’ no longer cares about everything…
one is being accused of ‘not caring’ about the world, when actually he/she DOES care, but just in different non-conformist ways. Yet again he/she is always being pressured constantly to "learn their rules" & become another conformist.

Hence,…the last closing line in the lyrics:

"What I’ve felt
What I’ve known
Never shined through in what I’ve shown
Never be
Never see
Won’t see what might have been

You labeled me
I’ll label you
So I dub the unforgiven "